Stripped Back: Core Revealed

Here I am.  I'm in my sweatpants and stained T-shirt - Lets talk.

So these last few months have been ones that have probably changed my life the most thus far.  They've been the months where I've been brought down and stripped back, leaving me with nothing but the core of my life, who I am, and what I believe.  It hasn't been easy.  I can't say that it's a road I would have chosen if I were to have had a choice, but who really knows what's best for their life?  What is at your core?  Who are you?  What do you believe?  Sometimes to answer these questions, you've got to go through shock, like the shock of plunging into ice cold water.

A look into my PAST:
I had a very good, comfortable life.  I had plenty of money, a brand new car, the most loving boyfriend, a fantastic church I was involved in, a supportive family, I had just started back up with school, got all of it paid for through scholarships...the list goes on and on, my life was seemingly perfect.  It was right on track and I had a plan.  I could see the road ahead - wide, well-lit, and beautiful.

You see, everything on the outside looked perfect and pristine, just the way I liked others to see it as.  I was always the girl who wanted to please everybody.  If you ask, I'll do it.  If you say jump, I say how high.  I wanted everybody to like me, I wanted to meet everyone's expectations of me, and I would mold myself to whatever someone wanted me to be in order to make that happen.  My greatest fear: disapproval.  My life was completely in the hands of the people surrounding me, but I was comfortable with that.  I could live my life their way in public and live my life my way in private - the best of both worlds, or so it seemed.  Little did I know the storm that was brewing underneath the surface, like a volcano awaiting its eruption.  No one knows when, where, or how it happens, but when it does, it destroys everything in its path - everything without a strong foundation to stand up against it.  It didn't happen overnight, but slowly my seemingly perfect and pristine world would come to a crashing end.  What was left standing surprised everyone in my life, including myself.

My belief in God: gone.  Friends: gone.  Cell phone: wiped clean. Boyfriend: gone. Bank account: $0.    All contact with what I once knew had all disappeared before my eyes.  Like plunging into ice cold water, everything was stripped away with the rushing current and jagged rock beneath.  I could have disappeared without a trace and no one but my family would've noticed.  In fact, that's exactly what I did.  Without notice I left the state.  I had to get out.  I had to break free.  I had to find something solid to stand on, some place I could lift my head out of the ice water that so viciously stole everything from me, even my breath.  I was suffocating.  I needed air.

I was gone for two weeks and in those two weeks I had time to be me, in public and private.  I had time to cry, time to scream, time to think, and time to evaluate my life.  Most importantly, I had time to heal.  I needed to heal from all the self-inflicted wounds that brought me to this place in my life.  While I'm not healed yet, the bleeding has begun to stop, and scabs have started to form where someday scars will take their place.

A look into my PRESENT:
Standing seemingly alone on a pile of cold, weathered rocks with the wind whipping ferociously around me is now where I stake my life.  While it sounds like a harsh, cruel environment, it's me.  I'm finally being who I am, the masks have been completely taken off,  and my soul exposed - assailable.  What will people make of me?  What will their reactions be when the person they thought they knew is not even close to who she really is?  Some will surely turn their backs, but perhaps some might draw nearer.  Nearer to this strange new being standing before them.  Who is she?

People.  So many people have been erased from my life and my phone numbers disappearing from my phone towards the end of this whirlwind was like a clearing of the slate.  Who did I want to rebuild my foundation with?  Who do I want to take along with me on this journey?  Who wants to come with me?  Who will accept me for the reality of who I am?  I currently have 6 numbers in my phone that someday will grow in number.  In number of people that love me, support me, and know the true me yet still accept me - I'm in no hurry to fill the empty spaces.

Most importantly though:
Who am I am?  What is at my core? What do I believe? Where do I want to go from here? How do I want to build this foundation of my stripped back life?

These questions and more I will answer in depth as the Stripped Back series continues.  I'll go into the details of what I believe brought me to the place I am now - it was a slow fade.

A glimpse into my FUTURE:
Unknown.  Day by day I'll walk this narrow path that I'm now on.  I won't always see the road before me, I won't always know the direction I'm going in, but I'll have faith that every turn is the best turn for my life.  God had a plan - He still has a plan.  

Brick by brick my life will be rebuilt.  My life authentic.



If you have any questions or comments that you would like a response to, please comment at any time and I'll try to answer them for you.  This is a journey I want us to take together.