Stripped Back: Who I Am

Let me preface this entry by saying: Being yourself is NOT an excuse for refusing to grow.  Part of becoming the person you're meant to be means not always being comfortable with yourself.  You must seek change and avoid complacencies if you want to do better and become better.  You must recognize areas of optimal change and take action to start the journey of refining and defining your life and who you want to be.

So let me define some terms in that last sentence I feel are significant:

Optimal Change - Areas that, if changed, will bring the most fulfillment out of your life.  This does NOT mean easy.  Change isn't change if it doesn't cost you something.  The more you invest, the more you sacrifice, the more you put into your change, the more you will get out of it.  It's an investment with exponential reward.  Give a little, get a little.  Give up a lot, get a lot.  I'm not saying that smaller areas of change are not significant.  While they're important, sometimes we get stuck in a rut and aren't willing to change something greater.  Lets face it, we like comfort and the longer we're comfortable, the harder it is to get out of that big, fluffy La-Z-Boy recliner that represents our comfort zones.  Areas of optimal change will be the most difficult areas to change and knowing that you're capable of conquering them will bring you immense encouragement, energy, and enthusiasm to tackle more.  So start with one.  What's the one thing that you would like to change right now?
   
Action - Not only do you need to invest in change, but you have to take steps to see it through.  Action does NOT necessarily mean dramatic.  Action simply means movement.  Are you moving towards your goal?  It can be something small that works its way into something larger.  The important thing here is that you're beginning to create new habits.  Habits rarely appear over night in a way that maintains consistency in our lives.  Not only do you need to take action to change, but you need to take action to prevent sliding back down to your starting point.  What's going to trip you up?  What is going to slow you down or discourage you away from your goal?  Stay away from these areas.  I'll take that one step further, FLEE.  Turn around and run as fast as you can away from anything that you know has a tendency to bring you back to a place you're trying to move away from.  You know more than anyone the red flags in your life.  Take them seriously.
    
 Journey - Lastly, this is a journey.  Journey implies a road being traveled upon.  It's not a line drawn in the sand where you instantaneously jump from one side of the line to the other.  Change is a road you must walk down, it takes time, and it takes patience.  Be patient with yourself, don't become discouraged and know that no matter where you are in the journey, you're not who you once were.  You're changing.  Journey also doesn't mean lonely.  Not only are you not the sole person to have walked the road you're on, but there are people willing and wanting to come along side you, to support you, encourage you, and give you advice.  So bring people with you.  This is not a race.  It's you on a path, not you competing with 10+ other people on a race track to see who can finish first.  Your speed of change does not enhance the worth of your achievements.  In fact, it can hinder them.  Speed can cause you to overlook areas that need healing or extra work in order for you to have a full transformation.  Additionally, journey does not mean end.  Just because you've changed, doesn't mean you're done changing.  Just because you've overcome obstacles in your life, doesn't mean you won't see them again.  Keep looking forward, never stop, and always remember where you've been.  Either you'll have to conquer exact or similar obstacles, or you'll need to help someone else conquer theirs along their own journey.

Who I Am : Why I Want To Change
(Saying "you" in these next few statements really means I'm talking to myself.  Giving myself a talking to or pep talk, per se.  However, if you decide these apply to you, too, then feel free to agree with or define your own reasons for change.)

When I say, "Who I am," I say that term very loosely.  These things are not so much who I am, but more so things that are a part of me, presently.  Who I am now is nowhere near who I want to be.  This is simply to say that I want to change.  I want to identify areas in my life in which I want to take action to begin a journey of growth and wisdom.  Feel free to join in with me, to walk along side me on my journey, or let this help you along the way of your own.

• I cuss : I believe intelligent people can come up with better words to use than cuss words.  While many (including myself at times) claim that often there are no better words for a situation, there are.  Maybe you just need to get yourself out of that situation.
• I'm self-conscious : Since when did we start making assumptions of what others think of us?  Where do we get all these negative thoughts that tear us down?  Forget about others needing to do it, I think we're our own worst bully.  We know just the buttons to push to make our confidence and self-worth disintegrate before our eyes into a pile of unrecognizable ashes.  Yet for what?  What could possibly be the purpose or benefit of doing such damage to ourselves?  Exactly.  There are no reasons.  Yet we do it.  Quit poking holes into who you are or you, and you alone, will be responsible for your own demise.
• I have sex : This is not something I'm proud of.  The more you have sex, the more people you have sex with, the less you value sex and its meaning and purpose.  I think anyone could agree with me when I say, the more you say 'yes' the even more difficult it becomes to say 'no'.  Not only that, but you're not married to these people.  Think about it, if you've had sex with someone who now happens to be getting married or is married to someone else other than you...you've had sex with that person's spouse.  That makes me feel dirtier than just about anything.  Looking at someone's wife and thinking to myself, I've ___(fill in the blank)      with your husband...I've been intimate in ways that only you should be privy to, with your husband.  It makes me feel like the "other woman".  It's not right.  
• I'm quiet : Many times we use the excuse, "I'm just quiet" or "I'm just shy" to avoid situations in which we need to speak up for ourselves or a situation.  I often find myself using this excuse when I'm around people I don't know.  I shut down and am "just the shy one of the group".  False.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm not shy.  This is just a way for me to put up a guard in a situation that makes me uncomfortable.  I think many times this can tie into being self-conscious, which isn't always bad, but don't degrade yourself or put yourself down when you have absolutely no backbone justifying a reason to do so.  Even then, confidence is sexy (not cocky, there is a line). 
• I use people : To a point, I think we all do this.  We use others to get ahead or to benefit ourselves, and it's not always a conscious act.  We're not always going out to purposely trample others for our own gain.  Yet it can be so subtle that we barely notice when it's happening.  You all know the areas in which you influence and manipulate others to get ahead, so start recognizing when you do.  Recognize triggers, stressors, or what ever it is that makes you desire this route of action, and do something to steer yourself elsewhere.  Manipulation may seem the easier route, but whenever you finally get to where you're trying to go, look around.  You'll be the only one standing there.
• I like cats :  I say this to only bring up the point that many of us make decisions based on what everyone else thinks or the decisions someone else has made.  It can be as simple as liking dogs over cats (or vice versa), to something of much higher importance.  Part of developing who you are is taking ownership of the choices you make, the sides of issues you stand on, and the beliefs you hold true.  Stop waiting for someone else to carve the way for you, fearing rejection or opposition.  You're simply living someone else's life doing that.  Live your own life and make your own decisions; don't cheat yourself and look at someone else's answers.  Who ever said they were right?  One person's belief isn't always held by another.  Truth cannot be determined by majority.

While this is a very limited list of things I would like to change, I hope it has shed some light on areas in your own life that you see fit to change.  

If you have any questions or comments that you would like a response to, please comment at any time or email me at walkauthentic@gmail.com and I'll try to answer them for you.  This is a journey I want us to take together.

Stripped Back: Core Revealed

Here I am.  I'm in my sweatpants and stained T-shirt - Lets talk.

So these last few months have been ones that have probably changed my life the most thus far.  They've been the months where I've been brought down and stripped back, leaving me with nothing but the core of my life, who I am, and what I believe.  It hasn't been easy.  I can't say that it's a road I would have chosen if I were to have had a choice, but who really knows what's best for their life?  What is at your core?  Who are you?  What do you believe?  Sometimes to answer these questions, you've got to go through shock, like the shock of plunging into ice cold water.

A look into my PAST:
I had a very good, comfortable life.  I had plenty of money, a brand new car, the most loving boyfriend, a fantastic church I was involved in, a supportive family, I had just started back up with school, got all of it paid for through scholarships...the list goes on and on, my life was seemingly perfect.  It was right on track and I had a plan.  I could see the road ahead - wide, well-lit, and beautiful.

You see, everything on the outside looked perfect and pristine, just the way I liked others to see it as.  I was always the girl who wanted to please everybody.  If you ask, I'll do it.  If you say jump, I say how high.  I wanted everybody to like me, I wanted to meet everyone's expectations of me, and I would mold myself to whatever someone wanted me to be in order to make that happen.  My greatest fear: disapproval.  My life was completely in the hands of the people surrounding me, but I was comfortable with that.  I could live my life their way in public and live my life my way in private - the best of both worlds, or so it seemed.  Little did I know the storm that was brewing underneath the surface, like a volcano awaiting its eruption.  No one knows when, where, or how it happens, but when it does, it destroys everything in its path - everything without a strong foundation to stand up against it.  It didn't happen overnight, but slowly my seemingly perfect and pristine world would come to a crashing end.  What was left standing surprised everyone in my life, including myself.

My belief in God: gone.  Friends: gone.  Cell phone: wiped clean. Boyfriend: gone. Bank account: $0.    All contact with what I once knew had all disappeared before my eyes.  Like plunging into ice cold water, everything was stripped away with the rushing current and jagged rock beneath.  I could have disappeared without a trace and no one but my family would've noticed.  In fact, that's exactly what I did.  Without notice I left the state.  I had to get out.  I had to break free.  I had to find something solid to stand on, some place I could lift my head out of the ice water that so viciously stole everything from me, even my breath.  I was suffocating.  I needed air.

I was gone for two weeks and in those two weeks I had time to be me, in public and private.  I had time to cry, time to scream, time to think, and time to evaluate my life.  Most importantly, I had time to heal.  I needed to heal from all the self-inflicted wounds that brought me to this place in my life.  While I'm not healed yet, the bleeding has begun to stop, and scabs have started to form where someday scars will take their place.

A look into my PRESENT:
Standing seemingly alone on a pile of cold, weathered rocks with the wind whipping ferociously around me is now where I stake my life.  While it sounds like a harsh, cruel environment, it's me.  I'm finally being who I am, the masks have been completely taken off,  and my soul exposed - assailable.  What will people make of me?  What will their reactions be when the person they thought they knew is not even close to who she really is?  Some will surely turn their backs, but perhaps some might draw nearer.  Nearer to this strange new being standing before them.  Who is she?

People.  So many people have been erased from my life and my phone numbers disappearing from my phone towards the end of this whirlwind was like a clearing of the slate.  Who did I want to rebuild my foundation with?  Who do I want to take along with me on this journey?  Who wants to come with me?  Who will accept me for the reality of who I am?  I currently have 6 numbers in my phone that someday will grow in number.  In number of people that love me, support me, and know the true me yet still accept me - I'm in no hurry to fill the empty spaces.

Most importantly though:
Who am I am?  What is at my core? What do I believe? Where do I want to go from here? How do I want to build this foundation of my stripped back life?

These questions and more I will answer in depth as the Stripped Back series continues.  I'll go into the details of what I believe brought me to the place I am now - it was a slow fade.

A glimpse into my FUTURE:
Unknown.  Day by day I'll walk this narrow path that I'm now on.  I won't always see the road before me, I won't always know the direction I'm going in, but I'll have faith that every turn is the best turn for my life.  God had a plan - He still has a plan.  

Brick by brick my life will be rebuilt.  My life authentic.



If you have any questions or comments that you would like a response to, please comment at any time and I'll try to answer them for you.  This is a journey I want us to take together.

Stripped Back: Reality

I've chosen to begin this blog to show people an authentic me.  I believe that in today's society people are afraid to show others who they really are.  We want others to think our lives are perfect, but when we brush away the shallow surface, it's not so neat and tidy.

I believe this is especially true within the church.  Everyone puts on their Sunday best, their practiced smiles, and their perfect walk - afraid of what others might think otherwise.  At least, that's how I was.  I was one of those people.  I was the best at being fake, at putting on a mask, at hiding the reality of my life and who I really was.

So here I am.  Here's my walk.  I'm out of my comfort zone, vulnerable in front of an unknown audience, in hope that I can inspire others to walk the same.  To walk unfiltered, uncensored.  I can only pray it will bring some encouragement and hope to those who read it.

I also want to challenge all of you.  I challenge you to try something different, to step outside of your comfort zones.  I challenge you to put on the sweatpants and stained T-shirt, to frown, to cry, to stumble, to laugh, to love, to be the people you really are deep down.  I challenge you to walk authentic.